I wonder if I performed my roles and duties in life correctly or if what I do is right? When I look back at all my successful thing I done in life , I wonder did I do them right or at least ethically right. I have always view life almost like a game where you either win with skillful moves or you fail with lack of clarity and focus and skills. I do remember doing methods to complete my roles and duties that I regret that were ever done and maybe they would have been a better path to them. Like when I was desperate and had to use some money in my bank account I was saving and not touch until I met him to pay off one of my debts. Maybe I putting too much thought in this or maybe I think of change as a way to purify my soul of what I see as sins.

It always burns me when I have to use my lesser skills to complete something, in other words play at sacrifice move to finish something I need to get done. I hate having to sacrifice something to get a little something, since life should not be about sacrificing and yet I given up a lot to such a idea. I would like to see myself as one that can do what is put in fount of him and be mentally and physically able to handle it, but it seems I fall short for such ideology. It can’t blame on the fact am emotionally disable or learning disabled since I was able to graduate my high school, with regents diploma, which a step above a local diploma which most get as a default in high schools where I live in new York state. Maybe it my doubts that prevent me from being about to do more of in life since I was put down so many times and lost my confidence to do something fully or do it without a cost.

Somehow I feel like I am living on borrowed time, if anyone gets what that means, and the sacrifice I make just make that time even shorter. Sorry for the emoness, but it just feels like am not doing anything right anymore, or to a level, where I can feel happy I completed stuff. This primary happened directly after I finished high school and even now it still haunts my thoughts. I wonder when I feel good again about full filling my roles and duties again.